Showing Fear a little love
If you’ve perused my articles or have ever cocked your head slightly to one side upon hearing me say “I write about Fear,” you’ve likely also heard me posit that fear isn’t bad. Every once in a while, I like to show fear a little love. (Do I sound like I’m auditioning for the Beatles in the wrong decade? Good.)
We’re going to put the spotlight on how Fear can bring us a boatload of clarity. We can then use that clarity to bring about real, needed change in our lives. My true story to showcase this? A recent evening involving a walk home from the gym, fish tacos, a creep, and truly awesome neighborhood folks.
Act I: Along came fear…but for a good reason
The time? 9:15pm. The location? Where Market street meets Church street. I was on my way back from an evening workout, which almost never happens (I am a gym corporation’s dream client). I had just reached the corner intersection, when I became aware that a man was following me. There were too many blocks ahead to walk by myself and still feel safe. The whole song & dance of me waiting behind, and then making eye contact, and then walking a little, and then seeing him follow ensued. I sped up, he sped up. Ugh. Woof. Yuck. Yikes. Sh*t.
I was really unsettled, and really scared. The physiological fear responses were coursing through me— because fear isn’t a bad thing. It gets our attention in many instances where our attention should be getting hailed down.
Act II: A little help from my (neighborhood) friends
I darted into a neighborhood restaurant, announcing “Sooo, there’s someone following me.” The restaurant employee without hesitation goes “Ah! Hang out here by all means! Have a seat at the bar if you’d like, make yourself comfortable.” I took it as an opportunity to order some fish tacos and a beverage. Tacos and wine usually fix most things separately, so together I figured they would certainly do the trick.
After recounting what happened to the person sitting next to me, an adjacent couple turned to me and said they couldn’t help but overhear. These phenomenal humans asked if I felt safe walking home and ask if I wanted accompaniment. I was only halfway through my tacos (priorities?) and said that I’d probably be okay, but that I wouldn’t walk home by myself if I saw him again. I gave them a description, and the woman said that they’d scope out the outside of the restaurant and give me a thumbs up if he appeared to be gone. Sure enough they gave me a thumbs up, and the tacos vanished quickly thereafter.
Act III: Take this fear and turn it into…?
At the end of the evening, once I had made it home safely and my tum tum was filled with cilantro and battered fish and fermented grape juice, I began to think about why the fear was lingering and what it was telling me. This was one of those instances when fear was more than founded, but I still didn’t like the feeling it left me with. I began to wonder if there was some way I could take it, repurpose it, and come out of the scenario stronger instead of discouraged.
I decided to do one of my favorite go-to exercises when my thoughts feel like they’re playing ping-pong with one another and I really just want to get to the root of an issue: The Five Whys.
How the Five Whys Works
The Five Whys is a quick-and-seamless way of getting to the bottom of confusing clusters in your mind. You feel frustrated, but why? You feel overwhelmed, but why? You feel let down, but why? It slices right through mental holding patterns like a hot knife through butter. It can be profoundly satisfying to experience how quickly you can peel back your own layers of thoughts when you are driven by that laser focus and the magic of pen-on-paper.
In this scenario, it’s clear “why” I was feeling fear, but it seemed like that fear carried a lot of baggage with it to, beyond my fight-or-flight instincts. I wanted to get to the root of that baggage.
So how does the Five Whys work?
- Write down a statement. Maybe “I feel sad….” or “I feel stuck..” or “I feel overwhelmed…” or “Nothing seems to be working. (Y’all like these Debbie Downer vibes or what? 😉 KIDDING. There is no shame in feeling off.)
- Then draw a downwards arrow, while asking yourself, “Why?” Write the next statement down. Try to explore what thoughts or conclusions or associations might be tucked within each preceding umbrella thought. It’s like unpacking those Russian nesting dolls.
- Repeat down the page until you have asked “Why” five times.
- When you reach your last statement, ask the following question: Is there anything I can do to bring about change? Are there any themes in my Five Whys that I can address at the same time? Whatever you answer, there’s your takeaway. There’s an action item. In a world where so much lies outside our control, action items can bring about an immense sense of relief in moments of feeling overwhelmed.
On Action Items
Sometimes an action item is seeking a new mantra. Sometimes an action item is calling a friend. Sometimes an action item is having a real nice heart-to-heart with yourself and asking if it’s time for a perspective shift. Sometimes an action item is signing up for a half marathon. Sometimes an action item is getting out of town for the weekend.
Here’s the catch: whatever your action item is, be very clear with yourself about the relationship between the action item and the way that it will help lift you. We are only in control of ourselves, and my stern but loving reminder to all of us (myself included) is that our undertakings have no guarantee of swaying others’ decisions. There is immense power in deciding to change your own circumstances, rather than trying to change the minds or actions of others.
Show and Tell
Here’s what my Five Why’s that night ended up looking like:
My last sentence read: I haven’t set boundaries for the way I am allocating my time and being the one to make a work/life balance happen.
When I asked myself if there was something I could do about that, the answer was, as I’m sure you’re already nodding your head along with, a resounding “YES.”
I scanned my Five Whys for themes, and two certainly emerged: not feeling strong, and not feeling as confident as I’d like to.
My action item would then ideally incorporate seeking out an opportunity that involves investing in myself during hours that are beyond my work day, (work/life balance), and an opportunity that might help me feel stronger and more confident.
The next week, I found a self-defense studio in my neighborhood that also offers truly superb fitness classes. By Friday I had two classes under my belt and realized I had found exactly what I needed.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a million more times: success doesn’t lie in eliminating fear. It comes from interacting with that fear and determining how to respond to it. In this case, my fear gave me clarity. That clarity led me to an opportunity. That opportunity is leading me to an increased sense of strength.
Whys with Benefits
The Five Whys isn’t solely a great exercise for arriving at aha-moments. It’s a great exercise to mine your emergent thoughts and see what phrases are bolting to the surface. In taking a closer look at the stories we’re telling ourselves, we can identify little speed bumps that might be clouding our perspective.
For example, take a look at the phrase that I placed an asterisk next to. I’m telling myself a very one-sided story there. That because I’m single, I’m somehow “alone.” That because I’m single, “no one’s keeping an eye out for me.” (Here’s where I have to be real with myself that being single has nothing to do with being followed or not, or ending up in a dicey scenario or not)
In doing the five whys, I quickly unearthed one way that I am really compromising my perception of things, based on what my mind is latching onto.
Yes, my heart is pining for a partner. But when it comes to COMMUNITY and loved ones, my freakin.cup.runneth.over. The people in my natural, existing orbit make my life beautiful, and vibrant, and full. If that’s not a reason to wake up every day dancing like Hall & Oates was playing in the background, I don’t know what is.
Doing the five whys made me think about other ways I could get a boost from my community when I feel like I could use a hand. It also made me think about the importance of consistently finding strength in yourself– a sense of strength isn’t something anyone else can provide you with.
All this from a few arrows? You could most definitely say I’m a fan….
Fear and Strength are not mutually exclusive
I want everyone to remember something in moments of fear: feeling fear does not make you weak. Feeling fear makes you human. What’s more is that fear can often lead you to pathways that bring about renewed sense of strength.
Fear and strength are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they complement one another. Fear isn’t something to move away from. The more you can engage with it, the more you cultivate your sense of strength.
Give the five whys a whirl the next time it seems like there are dueling marching bands playing in your mind and you just need a little bit more clarity.
And at the end of the day, I urge you to remember the following:
- There is immense strength in asking for help from other people. Don’t feel like you need to go at anything alone.
- Paying attention to why your fear is making you feel vulnerable (the exposed kind, not the empowered kind) can help you identify ways that you can re-route a course to feel stronger. You have far more resources at your fingertips once you start to brainstorm.
- Thank your body for feeling fear. Thank your mind for checking in with it. If you have both of these systems working in synch with one another, you are in damn good shape.
Celebrating our fear and strength combined,
Hales