Soooo what’s going to happen?
When we don’t know how something is going to turn out, it becomes easy to obsess over it. What’s going to happen? Can I handle the outcome? (the answer to the latter is always yes, but our minds can be reaaaaal good at making us question how equipped we are) When will I find out?
Will the recruiter email me back? Will I find housing in San Francisco? Will this be the year when I “figure out my love life?” Will my followup doctor’s appointment go okay? What will my test results yield? Will I get the promotion? Will I end up having kids someday? Did I pass the professional exam? Will MUNI pardon that unfounded ticket I got?
It’s a hard pill to swallow but at some point it becomes necessary to embrace that there are many circumstances in this life that are just plain out of our control. And that can be supremely frustrating, and if you dig deep enough, scary. Not only do we want to know how things will turn out, but sometimes we also latch onto an illusion that there are things we can do that will impact the outcome.
No but like…what is going to happen?
When you’re waiting on an outcome or an answer or even an indicator as to how something is going to turn out, our minds aren’t all that kind to us in the way that they loop– sometimes obsess–over something that we don’t have clarity about yet.
Since we can all probably agree — albeit reluctantly sometimes– that the only thing we can expect is the unexpected, knowing how to gently give your brain a break when it has latched onto an unresolved question mark can come in handy in giving you some much-needed relief. These strategies can perhaps even lead to the satisfaction of accomplishing a thing or two in the midst of that uncertainty instead of kicking yourself later about obsessing over the scenarios and questions you’re hanging onto. (no shame in that game, but we’ve all been there and is next-level frustrating)
As much as I like to consider myself a “go with the flow” type of chick, my insides turn summersaults when I realize I have to be patient with an outcome, verdict, clarity, reply, etc. And this discomfort doesn’t discriminate based on magnitude of issue. It just shows up no matter what kind of party it is. Medical test results, craigslist housing inquiries, waiting to have a difficult discussion with someone that I’ve had a conflict with, professional exam results, text correspondence from people I have a crush on, wanting my tax return to hit my checking account, making peace with having ended a relationship, or committing to taking a risk that challenges my comfort zone.
BUT. There are things we can do to lessen the burden on our achey breaky minds. I call my main go-tos “The Big Five”
So. To to my dear fellow over-thinkers, control aficionados, human beings that love clarity, here are five things you can turn to next time your monkey brain won’t stop tormenting you from the treetops of “not yet resolved”
The big 5:
- Channel your energy into a cause that is way bigger than you. This is perhaps one of the most beautiful ways of fighting fire with fire that is actually productive. Choose one cause, and set out to be a drop in a bucket of an issue that is way out of your control. When we do this, we take the frustration of not having any control over “our thing” that likely has limited impact on others, and turn it into a meaningful act by investing time and energy in a cause where– while you might not be able to control it– you can make an impact. You might not be able to solve homelessness, but volunteering at a soup kitchen will touch someone else’s day who’s in need.
- Make something with your hands. We are on our screens so often these days that we often forget how satisfying (and therapeutic) it is to do things with our very own opposable thumbs, and play any number of maker roles: butcher, baker, candlestick maker…kidding, but not about the concept. Try your hand at origami. Make some scrambled eggs. Color coordinate your bookshelf. Try sketching something. Try making chocolate chip cookies. Go through magazines and make a collage. Put together the Ikea filing system that’s been in the back of your closet, still boxed up, for the past six months. Re-hang your mirror that came loose and has just been propped up on your wall (no? just me?) Make that kitchen box garden that’s been living on your Pinterest wall. Do whatever speaks to you, but make sure it celebrates how cool you and your hands can be.
- Get OUTDOORS and get your body moving — I saw a really clutch phrase on the internet and wish I could take credit for this beautiful string of words, but alas, I cannot. What I can do is be what I like to call an “Internet Phrase Santa,” who just drops down your internet chimney and introduces go-to phrases. So here’s a favorite: *Don’t forget to drink H2O and get some sun because you’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions.* I can’t stress this enough. We–like plants– are living, breathing, stretching things, who often forget that we need the sun and the soil and water and breeze to remind our cells that we are alive and and dynamic and not confined to the thoughts in our head. Being outdoors does wonders for the soul, as does moving your limbs. Science has shown that even just five minutes of aerobic activity can prompt anti-anxiety effects. So the combination of being outdoors AND movement? It’s the holy grail of feeling at least just a tad bit better and freed from that monkeybrain feeling.
- Reach out to someone who you’ve “been meaning to reach out to” -Alright y’all– we’ve all got one of these lists. People from college or study abroad or old colleagues or mentors or family members that we have been wanting to reconnect with or drop them a line but you haven’t quite yet figured out how or when to go that extra mile outside of the general hustle and bustle of your standard routine. Ladies and gents, now is your time. Now is your moment of glory. If you’re waiting on something that is completely out of your control, fill that uncomfortable time with something you are able to create: a touchpoint. A touchpoint with someone who matters to you, and is still on that “list of people you’ve been meaning to reach out to” for a reason.
- Flex your “Reality Check” muscle (or try writing it down)..It kind of feels like cheating to insist on “mind over matter as one of the “tricks.” It’s our mind that’s being relentless with us in the first place! But developing our ability to do a “reality check” is an important.muscle.to.hone. The premise of the reality check should be something along the lines of: I have done everything in my power that pertains to the situation. It is out.of.my.hands. Make that ish your mantra. This reality check is designed to let you off the hook and help you strengthen that discerning power between knowing what’s in your control and what just isn’t. If this doesn’t quite do the trick, try writing down everything you have done in your power to ameliorate, expedite, or further the outcome, then look at that paper and see how you’ve quite literally done everything in your power that pertains to the situation. Inhale your proactive nature, exhale any notion that there’s anything left to do on your end.
Do you have techniques that work particularly well for you? Holler at yer Hales, I’m always looking for strategies to add to the ol’ repertoire of mine.
And remember: you are amazing. Some things are just out of our control. That doesn’t make you any less capable, any less “wow,” or any less phenomenal.